Nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn
I'm torn
Perhaps this has different connotations for you, but it sums up how I feel right now, so that is it. Everything. Just all of it. The hate, the complaints, the pressure, the certainty I will never ever be the person I want to be. (My head knows that's a load of rubbish and these are emotionally charged words, but I am just speaking from the heart.) I am so exhausted of being anyone. I just want to go away, follow the yellow brick road and disappear forever. I do not want to be in this place I am now. So change. I do not want comments on this. I just need to vent. My heart is not in this. Do you not see? Do you not hear my heart SCREAMING so loudly? How can you not notice. HOW? Every time, it feels worse. My insides curl in pain from every barb, every single comment that tears past my defenses, but hides under the pretense of normalcy. It all hurts, you know. Maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow, but it sticks around and just when I am feeling so on top of the world, it brings me crashing down. Without fail, I can take a breath and just like that, freeze. Time, it all falls away, I feel like I'm in a dream, but without sleeping. My thoughts scatter, I am adrift in an ocean of distorted hopes and dreams.
I just want to be wanted, just for once, for the person I desire to be. Not for the person you want me to be. Just for something more than a girl. More than a pretty face you dream of, or the shoulder you can cry on. I am dying inside trying to handle the hate, the pressure, from every side, it only gets worse. Each time, I pull inside that little bit more. I do not like walls, and I am crying, just to think of my life. How terrible is that. I'm so blessed, I have a home, a family, people that care about me, and all I can do is get upset over myself. My selfish selfish self. I just wanted to independant. I fought for that. I tried not to hurt people, but I wanted my own life. I needed to feel like I could do this. Like what I wanted was important. What I needed was to find my niche. I loved God, I try to still do so, I try to be someone He would be proud of, but I'm failing. This is not me, I realize that. But my tears are so strong when I think of how much opposition there is. How it does not matter which way I turn. I cannot escape. I just want simple life. I just want you. I just want me. I just want my Jesus. I just want my Shalisha. I just want to be in that place, of serenity, where I do not think of this. I do not dream of my dreams, I do not long to be loved and not hated. I want to be alone. I need your company.
You think you know me.
Sometimes I feel nothing.
Just peace in nature.
Love in children.
Yet, nothing.
Where do I go
Where do I stand
Where can I find myself again
Where do I go
If not disappear
Where do I go from here
Tracing
My steps right back to you
Racing
The clock to save an hour or two
And facing
The fact I don't feel a thing
I'm dealing
With what I can't control
Feeling
Confused cause I don't know if
Healing
Is when you don't feel a thing
And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go
My name is Christina Anne Evans - I hate who I have become, and how people feel about me.
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake
And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed
Bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late
I'm already torn
I'm torn
Perhaps this has different connotations for you, but it sums up how I feel right now, so that is it. Everything. Just all of it. The hate, the complaints, the pressure, the certainty I will never ever be the person I want to be. (My head knows that's a load of rubbish and these are emotionally charged words, but I am just speaking from the heart.) I am so exhausted of being anyone. I just want to go away, follow the yellow brick road and disappear forever. I do not want to be in this place I am now. So change. I do not want comments on this. I just need to vent. My heart is not in this. Do you not see? Do you not hear my heart SCREAMING so loudly? How can you not notice. HOW? Every time, it feels worse. My insides curl in pain from every barb, every single comment that tears past my defenses, but hides under the pretense of normalcy. It all hurts, you know. Maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow, but it sticks around and just when I am feeling so on top of the world, it brings me crashing down. Without fail, I can take a breath and just like that, freeze. Time, it all falls away, I feel like I'm in a dream, but without sleeping. My thoughts scatter, I am adrift in an ocean of distorted hopes and dreams.
I just want to be wanted, just for once, for the person I desire to be. Not for the person you want me to be. Just for something more than a girl. More than a pretty face you dream of, or the shoulder you can cry on. I am dying inside trying to handle the hate, the pressure, from every side, it only gets worse. Each time, I pull inside that little bit more. I do not like walls, and I am crying, just to think of my life. How terrible is that. I'm so blessed, I have a home, a family, people that care about me, and all I can do is get upset over myself. My selfish selfish self. I just wanted to independant. I fought for that. I tried not to hurt people, but I wanted my own life. I needed to feel like I could do this. Like what I wanted was important. What I needed was to find my niche. I loved God, I try to still do so, I try to be someone He would be proud of, but I'm failing. This is not me, I realize that. But my tears are so strong when I think of how much opposition there is. How it does not matter which way I turn. I cannot escape. I just want simple life. I just want you. I just want me. I just want my Jesus. I just want my Shalisha. I just want to be in that place, of serenity, where I do not think of this. I do not dream of my dreams, I do not long to be loved and not hated. I want to be alone. I need your company.
You think you know me.
Sometimes I feel nothing.
Just peace in nature.
Love in children.
Yet, nothing.
Where do I go
Where do I stand
Where can I find myself again
Where do I go
If not disappear
Where do I go from here
Tracing
My steps right back to you
Racing
The clock to save an hour or two
And facing
The fact I don't feel a thing
I'm dealing
With what I can't control
Feeling
Confused cause I don't know if
Healing
Is when you don't feel a thing
And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go
My name is Christina Anne Evans - I hate who I have become, and how people feel about me.
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
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